Mog Molesting Mary

Just heard the couple next door rowing. Hardly news worthy material I know. But this wasn’t your bog standard domestic. This was war: a tonsil-shredding, door slamming, dust-up. Thirty minutes of toxic hate and sobbing hysteria. It was terrifying.

Forgive the cliché but it’s always the people you least expect. Just the other day me and my neighbour, let’s call him Fritzel, were having a mundane over-the-fence chat about nothing in particular. You know how it is, the usual crushingly dull small talk. I often see Fritzel and his wife Hindley pottering contentedly in their immaculate garden. Fritzel even pops round every month to mow our lawn, free of charge. Bloody nice chap that Fritzel fella.

But, gah!, no matter how hard I try to block it out, I’ll always hear the hate-fuelled obscenities he spat at his wife. Yes, everyone’s allowed a lapse in sanity now and again. The human race is anything but perfect. In fact, it’s consistently idiotic. But I seem to have this internal barometer that starts to fizz and smoke whenever someone has irrevocably crossed the threshold of decency – a cuntometer if you will.

And it’s not just Fritzel that’s scored a hit on the cuntometer this week. Mary Bale has too. For the uninitiated Mary is the bespectacled fat-arse who enraged all decent human beings when she was caught on CCTV dumping a cat in a wheelie bin. Unfortunately, we’re spoiled for choice when it comes to cunts. We’re overrun with them. Everywhere you look you’re bound to find one. There’s no escape. Unfortunately for Mary she was caught being a cunt. So let’s stick with her.

Mary, a dead ringer for Viz's Millie Tant, was walking down a street in Coventry, minding her own business, when all of a sudden she spies a cat. There’s something horribly disjointed about a woman who affectionately strokes a purring kitty before grabbing it by the neck and lobbing it in a wheelie bin. When asked why she did it Mary said, “I really don’t see what everyone is getting so excited about – it’s just a cat”.

Well, Mary, here’s why everyone’s upset. Aside from being incredibly callous, it’s been proven that a strong link exists between animal cruelty and violent crimes against humans. The thrill Mary experienced from her impromptu act of cruelness is unsettling. Her inability to comprehend the public’s outrage is equally troubling. In summary: steer well clear of mog molesting Mary. Especially if there’s a wheelie bin in sight. They seem to bring out her dark side.